Dear prospective Mr RIght,
I hope this letter/article gets to you on time before you ruin your chances. If not, it’s never too late to retrace your steps.
If you’re reading this article and you are out of girlfriends and you are a Nigerian, then dude, tighten your seat belt and realize where you did it wrong. For now, you’re stuck here so spare yourself that wishful talk you and your friends make while drinking in beer parlours, saying
” oh! White girls are so good! Not like these ones you meet here”
Face Reality bro!
Brother, this your fantasy is what is holding you back.
For now, you cannot relocate, and even if you relocate, you might still meet Nigerian girls abroad, so isn’t it better you learn on time?
If you are a girl and you’re reading this, without a man, don’t worry, cheer up, we know what they did to you in the past, you are not alone in what you need. Please, don’t compromise on your standards, just don’t! In a few years, you might start visiting ‘temples’, ‘mountains’ and ‘deserts’, consuming olive oil and blessed yellow powders…please don’t compromise! if you love a guy, don’t ever tell him, keep him in the friend zone till he becomes ‘man enough’ to ask you out…
Anyway, back to the topic!
How can I date a Nigerian girl effectively?
How do I make it work?
What does she want from me?
If you’ve asked these questions before, ask no further!
First, you have to understand how Nigerian girls are wired. Their mentality, psychology…isn’t that always the key?
Look, 1st, a Nigerian girl is selfish,
Please pardon my utterances, it is ‘self appreciative’
She Is not greedy, she just wants the good things of life(she can’t come and suffer)!
Besides, mind your language around them! Another lesson
Don’t use the word ‘fat‘ to describe her, say ‘thick’ or ‘has hips’ or ‘curvy’.
Don’t ever say a girl is bleaching, it’s rude! Call it ‘lightening’ or ‘toning’.
(When she’s mixing her onion smelling cream, please pretend you’re not in the room),
If your girlfriend cries all the time, she’s not weak but emotional.
“Did I gain weight?” She will ask you.
To answer “yes, baby“, is like wearing a rosary to Sambisa forest!
“Baby, I have not noticed oh”
or lie! Lie immediately!
“You know I don’t like bones, I even wish you could gain weight”
This is if you are wise and want peace of mind!
Learn how to address Nigerian girls and you will last.
Asides from addressing her, be there for her emotionally. Be her photographer (for her dps) don’t be so selfish, allow her have her way. Remember she is an emotional person……Do it for world peace! Please sir..
Hear all the little details about how she spent her day, even if you’re bored to death!
Just listen, don’t just nod…
This is because, after her expository essay, there will be time for ‘class work ‘ and quiz, and God help you if you are found wanting! Don’t just listen, memorize those small details, how she went to the movies, how her uncle sent her something, what her lecturer told them to buy, which and which of her friends got stuck in traffic, the road she decided to follow that day…..
Don’t just believe that the quiz may come that day, in fact, it might be next month before she says over the phone,
“ehen, Kola, remember that market where I told you Joy went to get some shoes…”
(You, having no idea whether Joy is a person or a soap but you reply)
“Yeah, I do, Wuse market…”
“What! Joy isn’t even in Nigeria! Why don’t you ever listen to me! Always insensitive….”
Bang! The phone cuts till next two weeks.
So, be wise!
Let’s say it again, this is the main body of the letter!
So I think we have to write it again, so you can see.
So it sticks in….
This is like the most impressive thing about a man! His good quality!
Let’s do this little song and chorus,
In the mall, spend!
In the church, spend!
In the hotel, spend!
In her school, spend!
In boutiques and stores, spend!
On her family, spend!
On perfumes, shoes, and bags, spend!
And more bags, perfumes and shoes, spend!
It can never be too much, spend!
On virgin hair, spend!
On jewelry, spend!
Red soles, CCs, spend!
On gifts, spend!
On trips and holidays,spend!
On her data subscription, spend!
On Val’s day, spend!
On her birthday, spend!
On your own birthday nko, spend!
Christmas and Easter, sober reflection, story! Spend!
Chorus: Spend, Spend, Spend!
if you know what you want
And want to keep what you’ve got
And please, don’t expect much in return, you are a man, your role on earth is to spend on a woman, if you make demands from her, ‘you are not man enough’.
Yet the same woman sings and nods to ‘Beyoncé’s ‘independent woman’ song and tells everyone that cares to listen how men and women were created equal! No man can tell her how to live her life! She puts up quotes from Hillary Clinton and Maya Angelou and calls herself a ‘strong woman’ but you her man, refuse to spend first? Just refuse! Hmmmm…..
What is hers is hers and what is yours is hers.
(Including all your t-shirts which she converts to her sleeping garments),
Your wallet is her domain, and she knows the password to your ATM card, before she declares you a ‘caring and loving’ man!
Her salary is for her manicures and she can ‘assist you’ by using her salary once in a while to buy hair.
Whenever she decides to become a good girlfriend and buys you 750 recharge card, hold your breath! Before one week, you will buy her 1500 recharge card! Yeah, I said it, double of the sum.
Like the devil, nothing comes free!
Whenever she surprises you with a nice gift and massage, understand you are about to pay one heavy bill soonest.
Even if she gives you a free gift…slash that, she must use out of it.
She will become thoughtful and buy you a nice short, the same one she will wear in the kitchen any time she comes around, or buy you a good perfume she could spray ‘too’ whenever she’s leaving. Sometimes, she will ‘borrow’ these gifts back and that is *drums rolling* The End….
If you’re the kind that still enters buses with your girl, she might be the ‘responsible’ kind that when the conductor is going round to collect the bus fares, she might dip her hand in her pocket and keep searching for 200 naira for 5 whole minutes, this is a sign, a gesture! Don’t ignore it! At least she made some ‘effort’, be a man! Be a knight! Pay that bus fare! You won’t die!
If you decide to ignore and she ends up paying and you’re sitting by the window, you will definitely pay back in ‘kind’ by buying gala, biscuit, chips, ice cream (big size) and some CDs in traffic before the journey is over!
“Oh! The bus is about to move! Just pay, baby, my purse is far!”
She always wins!
Anytime work is over or during the weekend and she is shopping with her bffs(with your money, who else’s), do you expect her to trek to the next joint? She will call the next metro taxi(you!) to
“please baby, can you drop by and take us to Surulere”,
the answer is and must be
You’re expected to drop by, looking all hot, smelling all ‘designer’, all smiles, ready for PDA.
You’re not only a driver at this stage but an exhibit, a kouros, an artwork and you’re expected to act the part, to impress her friends. Don’t be deceived, they have discussed about you and she has told them all the great things her guy does for her and how hot he can be. Don’t be a hand-faller, oh nigga! Not there! There are things a Nigerian girl can forgive, so many but it’s hard to forgive ‘dulling her’ in front of her friends. Many break ups start there…. Be wise.
Another wise thing is, acknowledge her friends, if possible, call them by name one by one(that will please her), but know the way you edge your face, watch the angle of your eyes, calculate the distance of your seat, time your handshakes(don’t let it linger), and the tone of your voice, watch it! You don’t want her thinking you’re attracted to Ada or have a thing for Jennifer. Even if her hips are jutting out like Kim Kardashian ate Amber Rose, guy! Concentrate!
Listen up, I’m saying this because she will still test you after that day.
“Baby, did you see that hair on Jennifer? What do you think“
WRONG ANSWER 1: “I noticed oh, it was cute“
WRONG ANSWER 2: “Jennifer has good taste sha, the hair is good“
FATAL ANSWER 1: “yeah, it brought out her beauty” WHAT!
RIGHT ANSWER 1: (sound very uninterested)”nope, what about it?“
RIGHT ANSWER 2: “I think I saw something like that but my eyes were on you the
VERY RIGHT ANSWER 1: “ehen! Where did she get it, I know it will fit my honey.
Wisdom is a rare gift from God! How else did you think Solomon could maintain 1100 women? Are you a learner?
Despite all you did for her today, if tomorrow you mess up, she must remind you how her friend’s guy doesn’t smoke and spends everyday on her! How her friend’s guy is such a nice dude, so attentive, so not self centered like the living prick you are. So innocent, so monogamous, so good at kissing, so open in their relationship, she may go as far as calling her friend a lucky girl.
Don’t choose that moment to remind her how the same guy was caught in a hotel with a groupie or how that guy beat her friend to pulp and they were settling the issue just last week. Endure this thing, this is how to be in a relationship, just pretend her friend’s boyfriend is a cross between a saint, a knight and Christian Grey. King Arthur himself! The incarnate of an archangel!
Don’t worry, just don’t take it personal….after 1 week, when she is in love with you again, she will still say
“How does Tolu cope with that animal of a guy! Gosh! I’m so lucky to have you”
*in shaggy’s voice* that’s a woman!
(If your girl is a sassy chick. Sexually, you have to be a thorough mixture of Christian Grey, Khal Drogo(after he changed),The Rock and Jon Snow. Know when to be romantic or when to be a ‘bad boy’. Don’t be an ‘indomie’. Do things at her tempo and be a 90 minutes man, don’t ever admit you’re tired…you can’t ever be tired! No, you can’t possibly be human!) BUT IF…
I say, If she is the church going type, play along!
She may say she’s not a virgin but has decided to do ‘bush fallowing‘, sorry, pardon me, I meant to say ‘celibacy’ till marriage. Don’t shout and leave her(if you like her), keep playing along till she falls like a park of cards.
“Can you come to my house, but you know, if it’s against your wishes...”
Always use these suffixes. Don’t push too hard!
The first time she kisses you,
She will say
“ I let my self go too far! God forgive me father! Please we need to avoid sin, our bodies must remain temples!”
Don’t be too annoyed, just say
“no problem, I don’t want to be the one to lead you to sin”.
Before you know it, she’s coming back, claiming she forgot her prayer booklet in one of your rooms and blimey! Lucky man. DONT EVER TAKE THE LEAD, just suggest things here and there, after you’ve finally ‘sinned‘, comfort her, promise to stop yourself next time and so on….
You must refer to her General overseer as “Papa” or “Daddy“,
Don’t complain about so much offerings and seeds you have to sow in the church. Time for altar call, come out dancing, don’t sit back, she’s proud of you and has told pastor about you, how you’re a God fearing, ambitious young man, please act the part.
But if she refuses to engage in sex, and you can’t leave her. You know where to buy premier soap, you know the way to your bathroom….
Next is the issue of her enemies, A girl has so many potential enemies, rivals for your attention. Your family(when you spend on them), your work, your blackberry, those stupid friends of yours that won’t let her enjoy time with her man, always calling to hang out with you, but we are dealing here, for the sake of brevity, with established enemies, they are just 3, a nasty trinity and they are:
It’s enough that you don’t give her your ATM card password( meaning you don’t trust her with your money, a grave offense, in itself), it’s also painful that she does not have the password to your Facebook account to challenge all those silly girls that send you inbox messages. Then you go on to password your phone! How much of a jerk can you be! How can you wound her mortally like that! Don’t you know she dies many deaths every night when she wakes up, sneaks to your side socket, the LED light of your smart phone is blinking red, someone is texting him! Who! What woman! I’m sure he’s cheating! Her inner ‘snoop dog’s’heart is skipping twenty beats, yet she can’t enter the gates of Jericho. Men, please don’t be this mean! If you want that relationship to last. She’s watching you oh!
You let Ronaldo and Messi take her place?
Who are they?
Does Chelsea feed you when you’re hungry?
Do the gunners listen to you when you’re down?
Has champions league ever helped you when you’re broke?
What will winning that cup do for you?
Will it add to your lifespan?
Why do you like ball? Why? Answer me, why?
What is the meaning of bundesliga? Why do you spend so much money importing club jerseys? What is the full meaning of EPL? E Kpele!
Why are you so sad, you say a man called Moyes is ruining your day, how?
I thought you said Drogba and Mikel are friends, why are they wearing different clothes, playing against each other? Oh, you call it nations cup? Which one is now World Cup?
You say your club played 1-1 and they are out of uefa(whatever that means) but the other day you told me that whoever plays draw will go to penalties? I don’t get!
You spend so much time arguing with friends over ball, you’re neglecting me!
Weekends, we can’t spend it well together, you’re always watching ball! Didn’t they play that man united versus turtleham match before? What! You’re watching the replay! You claim you’re broke and I should bear with you but you must pay 13k for DSTV! Honey! I can’t live like this, you’re hurting me!
It’s not enough that you watch ball, after the match, wham! You pack out your Play station and begin to play ball! Then switch to racing, bicycle, moto GP! Your noisy friends come in to play with you and make noise while I serve you guys drinks! What am I to you? Even when we are alone, you’re playing your game, I disappear! I’m talking and I’m not even there! How fair is this? How do you treat me like I’m so inconsequential all because of in animate things! Gosh! This video game is ….
An enemy! This sums up the emotion of girls and their sworn enmity with these three things.
Finally, you’re ready!
After all her ‘showing you how Prudence got her ring’ and how Rachel’s man hired a yacht/speed boat to propose and you think it’s fair to do yours in the privacy of the room where she’s wearing net, after she just woke up from a hangover. Are u insane or worse?
Go to a mall, a yacht, or wait! It’s her birthday, perfect time, Val’s day, she has been waiting, she knows this Val’s won’t pass her by, she has gone to get an expensive manicure so when she posts the ring as her display pic, it will look good. Don’t fail her! Man! Propose! Whether she is surprised or you two planned it, who cares! Call the camera and friends, kneel down in front of the crowd, don’t be shy…Tell her some poetry, buy her a ‘proposal gift’, make sure she looks surprised and sheds tears of Joy for the cameras and future profile pictures.
Even if she was the one who personally shopped for the ring,don’t be an ass! You have to be an actor that day, boyfriend, don’t fail!
When you have done all these ‘few’ things. Bet you, you will get and keep a Nigerian girl.
Don’t forget to always be yourself. But that ‘yourself’ must be loyal, truthful, kind, honorable, good in bed, understanding, GENEROUS!!, sexy, considerate, attentive, dedicated, MONOGAMOUS, prayerful, good dresser, useful, intelli….Let me check for more….I’m coming.
Till we meet again
This is not to say that they are no hardworking patient women!
This is not to say anything!
– NNEOMA SATIRIST